Those first few months (or the whole first year) with a new baby is extremely difficult. You’re trying to do a new job that you’ve never done before….figuring out what works and what doesn’t work…sleep deprived…hormonal changes… It’s a job with no end time. Oh, and your body is healing physically from pregnancy, labor, and delivery.  Sounds miserable, right?  *IT IS*  Yet, women do it every day. New moms are asked to step up to the plate for the most important job while at their mental and physical low point.

It can be terrifying

My husband works at a local hospital. His work schedule is all over the place, but about once a week, he does an overnight shift that’s about 30 hours long. When the shift is over, he comes home and naps until dinner time. For example, he would leave the house on Monday morning, come back Tuesday afternoon, go to sleep, and be available Tuesday evening. This overnight schedule was not a big deal prior to kids, but it quickly became very stressful when I became a new mom. In fact, some of the most difficult and scary times of my life were in those nights when it was just my first baby and me.  I felt anxious, fearful and isolated on a very real and intense level.  My experience during those nights have formed my desire to share, connect, and support new moms. 

For me, the lone night duty once a week compounded the level of stress of all of these things.  I was not confident of my skills as a parent, and I was constantly anxious about the next challenge that came my way. And there were many new challenges with newborns and babies.  

It can be lonely

I was a new mom who pumped exclusively, and I needed at least 30 minutes to empty my breasts with each pumping session. When I had to pump, I was always afraid my son would wake up during a pumping session, and I wouldn’t be able to pick him up to soothe him. Additionally, I experienced many painful clogged milk ducts as a new mom, and was always anxious I would get clogged ducts during one of those nights when I was alone. Clogged milk ducts often meant I was in pain accompanied by chills, shakes, and a fever that left me exhausted.  With clogs, I pumped more often and longer to get the milk out, therefore, less available to tend to the baby.

Everything heightened my fear and increased my stress, even unrealistic things. For instance, we lived in a 2-story house at that time, so sometimes I was afraid that if I slipped down the stairs and lost consciousness, it would be hours before someone would find us.  Would Noah be ok if that was the case?  Or would he pass out from crying so much when no one came to get him?  Little things set me off and stressed me out, like a spilled cup of milk or a nap that was unexpectedly shortened.   Along with the anxiety and fear, the feeling of isolation was also really tough.  At that time, none of my close friends had kids and we did not have any family in town.  So when my husband was at work, I often had no face-to-face interactions with another adult who knew what I was going through, and that was really hard for me.  In hindsight, I see that the isolation fed into my fear and anxiety.  All I wanted at the time was another adult around to remind my fragile self that it’d be ok.

But things do get better

A lot has changed now. I am no longer a new mom who is fearful, anxious or isolated. I’m much more confident in my skills and ability to take care of my kids. My network of friends and family steps in to support me. A day and a half with 3 little kids, and no break (physically or mentally) has its challenges, but the intense fear of the unexpected and desperation is no longer there.  Even though I’ve come a long way from being a new mom, I still vividly remember how I felt at the beginning of motherhood. 

Everyone experiences parenthood a little differently, and it is easier for some than others. For me, motherhood for the first time has left an indelible mark of joy and love, but also of anxiety and trauma.  When I see a new mom struggling, it brings back my own struggles as a new mom.  I was wholly unprepared for parenthood. I had never given postpartum depression a thought, never changed a diaper or been around babies for an extended amount of time.  I suspect there are many women like me, who didn’t even know they were ill-prepared for motherhood to ask for help. Motherhood reminds me of the old adage “what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” because it’s just so true. Somehow, as mothers, we rise to the occasion, push through, and come out on the other side stronger and wiser than ever.  It’s nothing short of a miracle!