We often feel an intense amount of love for our children every single day as parents. However, what can also surfaces simultaneously is intense annoyance, frustration, and guilt. The duality is constant, and while I recognize that it’s normal to get upset at my kids, I always feel guilty if I react or handle a situation in a way that I’m not proud of. I want to share a recent experience involving my middle child that left me stressed and emotionally charged, but served as a reminder that I can do better.

Mommy, I don’t want to go to bed

Staying in bed is an ongoing problem with Emma that we’ve been working on for months. Last night, I tucked her in, kissed her good night, turned off the light, and closed her bedroom door. Five minutes later, she was out of her bed. She asked me to take her back to bed and tuck her in. I told her I wasn’t available to do that at the moment and asked her to go back to bed; and, that I’d check on her in a few minutes. On most nights, that is enough to appease her and she would go back to her room for a little bit… but last night she wasn’t having it. She refused to go back to bed and continued following me around as I brushed my teeth and tidied up the kitchen.

After five minutes, I knew she was not going to go back to bed on her own. I gave in, walked her back to her room and tucked her in.  She asked me if I was happy with her, and I replied I was not happy with her because she was not doing the right thing by getting out of bed. She didn’t like my answer and started crying. This whole process of her getting out of bed and requesting to be put back repeated a few more times before I started to get annoyed and upset at her and the situation. By the 4th time or so, she was rolling in her bed yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!”

By then, I’d lost my cool. I marched in and flicked the bright bedroom light on in an attempt to snap her out of her frenzy.  I said loudly, “WHAT DO YOU WANT?!  I CANNOT be happy with you when you are doing the wrong thing!”  At this point, Noah stumbled into her room crying because all the noise had scared him (his bedroom is next to hers). His crying spurred me to calm down, and I took him back to his bed. When I returned to Emma’s room, she was crying under the covers, so I sat with her until she calmed down, soothed her, then tucked her in. Finally, she fell asleep from the exhaustion. What is up with toddlers and sleep troubles?!

Things could have been different

I felt terrible of course. Things would’ve been different if Emma listened to me and went back to her room. Things would’ve been different if I stayed calm and physically walked her back to her room ONE more time. But I was very annoyed, and I did not feel patient on this particular night and things escalated. It took me hours to calm down from this incident.  I felt irritated, annoyed and guilty about yelling at a 3 year old and not handling the situation better.  

The following day, I talked to Emma and Noah about the incident.  With great insight at her young age, Emma told me about what happened in her own words. I told her I was sorry for yelling at her, and that I would try to be more calm next time.  She then asked me to not yell at her when she’s crying because it scares her.  Then, Noah chimed in and told me that when Emma yells “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY,” I should say “Emma, get back in bed”, instead of yelling at her.  As usual, they blew me away with their emotional intelligence. 

We’re building this jet as it flies.

– Local school staff member

It is tempting, but I don’t want to dismiss my actions just because it’s normal to get upset once in a while.  At the end of the day, I was really upset at myself because my actions didn’t meet my standard as a mom or a person.  While none of us are perfect, and it’s normal to get upset, I owe it to myself and my kids to try and do a little bit better next time. 

Our school district was having an informational session with parents to discuss all the different things they’re trying in order to keep schools running during the covid-19 pandemic.  At one point, a staff member asked parents to be patient because “we’re building this jet as it flies.”  The statement really struck a chord with me as it relates to Covid-19, but especially to parenthood.  Parenthood is the epitome of a work-in-progress. My baby didn’t come with a manual on how to achieve perfect parenthood when she was born.  I am figuring it out as I go along, and I keep trying to get better every day because I am entrusted with 3 precious little kids.  Kids who are counting on me, not to be the best mom in the world, but to be the best mom I can be for them.